Chain of Awarenesses

(Sunday night)
What an eventful weekend. However, to do the narrative justice requires concentration and creativity. Neither of which I posses at the moment. I shall return to that thrilling tale soon. For now, I will concern myself with 'the now.'

I am sad today. I spent most of the day sleeping, only up for class and meals. Thank you Andrea for making a point of waking me up for lunch and dinner. Today is the first day I thought I want to go home.

After lunch I tried to sit which only made me angry. I remembered that at the root of all anger is sadness. I asked myself what am I sad about? And answered myself I am afraid. What am I afraid of? The answer popped into my head as though it had been waiting this whole time for me to ask the right question. Pain. I am afraid of pain.

What will cause this pain? The pain of wanting to go home. The pain of missing my love. The pain of missing marymoor park, Anne and Ryan, my own sheets, Papa, pie, and my baby boy. I am afraid of feeling the pain of missing. Or, more to the point, I am afraid of feeling the pain of homesickness.

Why can't things just be simple? Afraid of the pain of feeling homesick? I mean seriously. What happened to just having to deal with plain old homesickness. Now I have to go and find the root of the cause of my sadness, etc. And as if that wasn't enough, now that I've found it I have to f*****g deal with it! Maybe Buddha had it wrong. The source of all suffering isn't just want. The source of all suffering is wanting to be enlightened. Grrrrrr