My Mantra

(in bed same night)
I took a nap this afternoon and little by little I am feeling better. Tonight I am calm. My heart hurts but I am practicing being gentle with myself instead of judgmental and I think it is helping. It is an odd feeling having no master. Not having to justify my every action to someone is allowing me to examine why I do things. Who would Karynn be if I wasn't working so hard to please people. Who is Karynn when I am my own master? Honestly, I do miss my partner a lot though.

Something I love is remembering and feeling my people's support around my heart. I remember what Mamma taught me about colds and loving me to the moon and back. I remember John's advice about safety, good water and loving me just for myself. Daddy's advice about taxi drivers and being proud of me. Even Grandma when I wash and fold my clothes and what it feels like when she hugs me and tells me how special I am. In this way I keep them close to me always. I call upon the lessons from throughout my life, both practical and heart-related. You see? I was listening that whole time.

This is also a good exercise in self-esteem. No on cares if my top doesn't match my skirt, or I'm not wearing my good underwear. I am just as much a beautiful woman when I'm wearing lace as when I'm not. Shaving? Ha. But interestingly no one has run screaming yet. Funnily enough, now that I think of it, no one does at home either. John has never once kicked me out of bed for not shaving my legs and even in a t-shirt Anne is always happy to hang out with me. Fascinating. Whether or not people like me isn't based on how pretty I look? People will love me now, when I'm over my perfect weight? My favorite line of all time in Eat, Pray, Love is when Liz and her friend are at the pizza place. Her girlfriend says she can't eat her pizza because shes already gained 10 pounds. Liz tells her this: "I am so tired of being on a diet all the time, then laying in bed each night counting every calorie I ate that day to determine exactly how much self loathing to take in the shower with me in the morning." I will listen to and honor my body. I will listen to and honor my soul. . . There, that is my mantra.

I will listen to and honor my body. I will listen to and honor my soul.