Although I'm skipping the Varanasi Airport story I feel the need to catch up with myself. Here is my record of arriving back in Budhanilkantha after escaping India.
(End of November)
I haven't written in ages. No excuse other than iPad troubles. I'm in an odd version of my 'world go away' mode. Specifically I want the world outside the walls of my monastery to leave me alone. Yet I'm not hiding from my monks despite my low emotional energy levels. And talk about a blessing, not only have they welcomed me back but I am more part of the family than when I left. Way more monks know a little english than I suspected and they're actually using it to talk to me! Last night one of the shy monks wandered into my room and told me it was good I came back. The boys even remembered my name and ran to say hello when I arrived.
Of course I'm sad that Rigzin isn't here but I know he's enjoying being the guru's assistant and proud that he chose him. Happily Chouing was here and playfully serious as always.
I slipped back into the routine easily. And to my surprise everyone accepted me sliding back into the routine with no reaction but happiness and support. And boy do I need support right now. Why did India upset me so much? Why did the episode in my hostel affect me so fundamentally? Maybe because he had such disregard for me that he didn't even feel he needed to hide it? Instead of digging deeper into my reaction I get sidetracked by wishing I'd hit him harder. I can't seem to stop fantasising about beating him senseless, making him afraid of me. The sting of a sharp slap isn't nearly enough compensation for my wounded... what? Ego? Spirit? Self worth? What can't I let this go!
I nearly ran away when the bus driver tried to introduce himself. Oh for heaven sakes. I just figured something out. I don't want to go to town because I don't feel safe going by myself. Well hell. Damn it why am I so freaked out!?!
(End of November)
I haven't written in ages. No excuse other than iPad troubles. I'm in an odd version of my 'world go away' mode. Specifically I want the world outside the walls of my monastery to leave me alone. Yet I'm not hiding from my monks despite my low emotional energy levels. And talk about a blessing, not only have they welcomed me back but I am more part of the family than when I left. Way more monks know a little english than I suspected and they're actually using it to talk to me! Last night one of the shy monks wandered into my room and told me it was good I came back. The boys even remembered my name and ran to say hello when I arrived.
Of course I'm sad that Rigzin isn't here but I know he's enjoying being the guru's assistant and proud that he chose him. Happily Chouing was here and playfully serious as always.
I slipped back into the routine easily. And to my surprise everyone accepted me sliding back into the routine with no reaction but happiness and support. And boy do I need support right now. Why did India upset me so much? Why did the episode in my hostel affect me so fundamentally? Maybe because he had such disregard for me that he didn't even feel he needed to hide it? Instead of digging deeper into my reaction I get sidetracked by wishing I'd hit him harder. I can't seem to stop fantasising about beating him senseless, making him afraid of me. The sting of a sharp slap isn't nearly enough compensation for my wounded... what? Ego? Spirit? Self worth? What can't I let this go!
I nearly ran away when the bus driver tried to introduce himself. Oh for heaven sakes. I just figured something out. I don't want to go to town because I don't feel safe going by myself. Well hell. Damn it why am I so freaked out!?!
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