(Varanasi)
Fascinating how being near a large body of water again calms me. From panicking in my room to stepping on the roof and breathing. Even the breeze is soothing. But this calm disappears once the Ganges is out of sight again. I have no interest in leaving my hostel. In fact, in two days I've only left once and that was only because a Swedish couple invited me to join them in exploring the Ghats my first night.
I woke up this morning smiling knowing that tomorrow I will be back in a world that I understood and feel safe in. One of my personalities calls me weak for "running away" from India and back to Kathmandu. Others say I am strong for recognising my need for safe territory. Even locked and bolted into my room I don't feel safe. India herself and I are getting along but I can't stand being groped, leared at, followed, harassed, or devalued anymore. I will love to come back here, just not by myself. Staying out of pride to feel threatened 24 hours a day seems foolish and counter productive. Besides, the more emotionally worn out I am the less vigilant I am about my physical and mental safety. Instead of responding to unwanted advances with strength I resign myself. Not a good response.
Even thinking about returning to my monastery and my people in a day comforts me before I even arrive.
Fascinating how being near a large body of water again calms me. From panicking in my room to stepping on the roof and breathing. Even the breeze is soothing. But this calm disappears once the Ganges is out of sight again. I have no interest in leaving my hostel. In fact, in two days I've only left once and that was only because a Swedish couple invited me to join them in exploring the Ghats my first night.
I woke up this morning smiling knowing that tomorrow I will be back in a world that I understood and feel safe in. One of my personalities calls me weak for "running away" from India and back to Kathmandu. Others say I am strong for recognising my need for safe territory. Even locked and bolted into my room I don't feel safe. India herself and I are getting along but I can't stand being groped, leared at, followed, harassed, or devalued anymore. I will love to come back here, just not by myself. Staying out of pride to feel threatened 24 hours a day seems foolish and counter productive. Besides, the more emotionally worn out I am the less vigilant I am about my physical and mental safety. Instead of responding to unwanted advances with strength I resign myself. Not a good response.
Even thinking about returning to my monastery and my people in a day comforts me before I even arrive.
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